New Blog for sweets!!

I created a new blog just for my sweets!! Please follow!

sweetsbykellie.wordpress.com

This blog is not going away… it is just going to be used for me to write about everyday life and what God is teaching me. 🙂

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10,000 Reasons

I think it is so easy to focus sometimes on what is going wrong in our lives. The hardships, the trials, the waiting… It is easy to let your mind slip into a dark place. While writing a letter to the little one we lost (see previous post), I found myself slipping. So many emotions and thoughts raced in my head. I didn’t want the letter to turn out that way. I wanted it to be uplifting and filled with love. Was that even possible? I wasn’t sure, so I kept it simple.  

This past weekend, God spoke to me in the smallest way, but it had a big impact. Funny how that happens, huh? We sang the song 10,000 Reasons by Matt Redman in church and a line jumped out at me as if to say, “Kellie, this is for you.” It said this:

“For all Your goodness I will keep on singing. Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find.”

Ten thousand reasons. I wondered if I could come up with so many reasons. Could I let my heart find those reasons? Could I live with a grateful spirit?

I started to look at everything around me: my husband, my daughter, our home, our family, our church family, our friends. I saw the blessings in my life. His provision. His protection.

I want to live with a grateful spirit. I want to look at my surroundings and focus on the good and not the bad. I want to be able to look at my family and focus on what I have been blessed with: an amazing husband and a beautiful daughter, and not on what is missing. 

I also want to trust. Trust that God is good. That He is faithful. That this phase in my life, this waiting, is only temporary. It is hard sometimes. It is then that I try to remember. Remember the blessings, the times in my life when He moved in a mighty way, the times He showed His faithfulness. It gets a little easier. I can’t say I’m there 100%, but I’m working on it.

 

Dear Little One- Your Story

We waited for you. We hoped for you. We prayed for you. We cried tears of joy when we found out you were coming. We cried tears of grief when we found out we would never meet you. I pray you are in Heaven and we will meet one day. Most of all, I pray you know how much you are loved. With each passing day of my pregnancy, my love for you grew. Everyday since, I miss you.

The day we found out we were expecting you is a day that will be hard to forget. I thought you might like to hear the story.

Daddy and I took your big sister to Disneyland that weekend. We went on Friday and then spent Saturday with your Aunt and Uncle. We helped lead worship at your Aunt’s church Saturday night and then headed north to your Grandma and Grandpa’s house. They called asking for help leading worship at their church because some of their Worship Team couldn’t make it. In between church and driving that night, I felt sick and took a pregnancy test. There was a slight line, but I had never used that kind of test before and wasn’t quite sure if the result was positive. To us, it was just a maybe (we didn’t want to get our hopes up).

We drove all night to Grandma and Grandpa’s wondering. We woke up early on Sunday and went to the drug store on our way to church to by a digital test. There was no time to take the test before church, so I kept in in my bag for after service.

That Sunday, there was no sermon. It was an all worship service. Both Daddy and I were on stage with your Grandpa and Grandma. I started to feel sick again, so during communion, I dismissed myself quietly. I took the test and couldn’t believe my eyes when the result was “yes+”. I tried to contain my tears, but I couldn’t.

I rejoined Daddy, Grandma and Grandpa on stage. I leaned over to Grandma to tell her the news. Soon we were both in tears. Daddy and Grandpa soon figured out what was happening. You see, we had been waiting for a long time, so tears of joy could really only mean one thing. Soon all four us of were crying. We continued the worship set, all the time praising God for his faithfulness. When service ended, Grandma announced the news and their whole church came to the front and laid their hands on me in prayer.

That is your story. The story of how we found out you existed. So many people prayed for you. So many people loved you. So many people grieved for you. Your short existence, your beginning of life did not go unnoticed.

Love,

Mommy

Hello, Blog.

It’s been awhile. I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch. I was challenged this week to visit you again. I’m not sure how to start, so I guess the best thing would be to tell you what I have been up to since our last chat.

When we last talked, I was a few months out of culinary school and baking cakes for family and friends. When culinary school ended, I didn’t take on an internship, attend career fairs, or even get my resume together and apply for jobs in the culinary field. Instead, I went back to my full-time job of being a stay at home mommy and I baked on the side for family and friends who asked me to, as a way to keep up my skill set. The reason for this was simple, my husband and I had another journey in mind: to grow our family.

When school ended, my daughter was 2 going on 3. My husband and I wanted our kids to be somewhat close in age, so after life got back to normal from the craziness of night school we decided to try to get pregnant. Perfect timing, right? Well, I started charting dates and symptoms, all the while hoping that soon our dream of a big family would come one step closer to becoming true. Months past and nothing happened.

In January of this year, my doctor referred me to the infertility department at Kaiser. In February, I had my first consult. In March, I started the first round of infertility meds. You know what happened next? They worked. April 21, 2013 we found out we were expecting. I don’t think I will ever forget the sheer joy I felt when we found out the news. Our family and close friends were thrilled and our daughter was very excited to be a big sister. We talked excitedly about our future as a family of four. All was well with the world as far as we were concerned. 

I soon saw my doctor. You see, I am a high risk case. I had an ectopic pregnancy in 2008 which required emergency surgery. Ectopic pregnancies are dangerous and potentially life threatening, so until one could be ruled out I saw my doctor every week. At first, things went well. My blood work looked great and we were extremely hopeful. We bought a stroller off Craigslist. We looked at names. We longed for December when the baby was due.

Then everything got turned upside down. On May 8, 2013 an ultrasound confirmed our fears. The pregnancy was ectopic. Again. It happened again. Plans were made to come back to the hospital the next day to have an injection that would target the pregnancy and make it go away, so surgery would not be required. At least we had caught it early, right? 

That night we dropped our daughter off at some friends house for a sleep over and my husband and I went out to a movie. I made it all the way through the movie, but when we left the theater I doubled over. Immediately we went to the hospital. The pregnancy ruptured. Once again, I faced emergency surgery. 

That was 4 weeks ago. Surgery went well and except for some minor complications, I have recovered physically. We can start trying to get pregnant again in a couple months. It will be more difficult this time around.  Still, we don’t want to give up on our dream of having another child.

Emotionally, there have been good days and bad days. A lot of good has happened since. I will visit again soon with more details. Just know for now that God is taking care of me through it all. 

Your friend,

Kel